S01E01.1: An Unearthly Child (1963)

Written by Anthony Coburn

Directed by Waris Hussein

First Doctor, William Hartnell

Companions: Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Drinking game tally: 4

Being a child of the 90s, I must admit it’s difficult to pay attention to videos in grayscale. Despite that, I’m honestly a fan of the very first Doctor Who opening. The (I’m assuming) smoke tricks and patterns give you a good idea of the sci-fi-ness of the show, and is also pretty impressive because I have no idea how I would go about making smoke do that. Maybe it’s a lava lamp. Who knows.

We also get our first-ever view of the TARDIS behind the episode title! I’m sure people watching it for the first time thought nothing of it as it was the 60s and Police Boxes were still scattered about.

The episode opens on two teachers, Ian and Barbara, who are discussing a mutual student, Susan. She’s exceptionally smart for her age, but won’t allow them to help her at home because her grandfather, a doctor, doesn’t like strangers (I had to suppress my glee at the first mention of the term “doctor”). Barbara explains that Susan’s address on file is only a junk yard, which deepens the mysteriousness of this girl. They decide to stalk her address to see what her deal is (yay boundaries!).

We cut to Susan, who is listening to a plastic box with music coming out of it (like I said, 90s kid). After showing how weird she is a few more times, she declines a ride home, saying, “I like walking through the dark. It’s mysterious.”

Clearly, she’s mysterious.

If you haven’t gotten it by now, she then opens up a book on the French Revolution and says, affronted, “but that’s not right!” creepy music and all. She also doesn’t know how British money works, is bored with simple science experiments, and can’t do math with fewer than five variables. What a weirdo.

Ian and Barbara follow her inside a sort of shed, and can’t find her anywhere. What they do find is a police box that is vibrating slightly. “It’s alive!” Ian proclaims, setting a precedent for the rest of the series that the TARDIS isn’t just some machine. The Doctor enters and Ian and Barbara speak to him about Susan.

A common occurrence for the Doctor I’ve noticed is when he mutters something to himself that shows his intelligence or explains a high-tech device to the audience without the other characters understanding what’s going on. In more recent episodes it usually plays a little better, but in the old stuff it can be pretty ridiculous. Therefore I've added it to the drinking game.

An example of what I mean: Ian calls Susan his pupil and the Doctor mutters, “One of their pupils, not the police then.” Super subtle. [The Doctor mutters an aside—drink!] 

Ian and Barbara try to convince the Doctor to let them see inside the police box, while the Doctor tries to get them to leave. Ian argues, “What are you afraid to show us?” and the Doctor replies, “Afraid? Haha. Go away.” Master of diversion.

Susan, wondering what the hell has been taking the Doctor so long, opens the door and Barbara and Ian rush inside. Holy crap a space ship!

The Doctor does one of his aside muttering things again: “You don’t understand so you find excuses.” [The Doctor mutters an aside—drink!] He then explains that it’s sort of like how you can see a whole building on TV, and the TV fits in your living room. Yup.

Susan, in a consistent state of mild distress, explains that it’s a TARDIS, a name she made up that stands for Time and Relative Dimension In Space. She’s surprised they didn’t guess that, since it clearly has multiple dimensions. What idiots.

After the Doctor explains that they are time-travelling exiles and belong to a different civilization, Barbara tries to convince Susan that this is only a game. They try to get her to leave, and the Doctor locks everyone in. Ian, having enough of this, tries to open the doors himself, but gets electrocuted by the controls.

The Doctor, having decided that there’s no way they’ll keep his secret, flies the TARDIS with some smoke effects from the opening. [TARDIS moves: drink!] The episode concludes with a view of the TARDIS, sitting in what looks like a desert and an intimidating shadow approaching.

Thus begins a longstanding tradition of episodes ending in cliffhangers. [episode ends in a cliffhanger—drink!]