S01E01.2: The Cave of Skulls (1963)

Written by Anthony Coburn
Directed by Waris Hussein
First Doctor, William Hartnell
Companions: Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright

Drinking game tally: 9

The episode opens on a group of cave people gathered around a particular caveman named Za, who is unsuccessfully trying to make fire. The matriarch takes the ultra-conservative stance, arguing that fire is too dangerous so he should just forget about it.

“It’s better to live as we have always done” —eating raw meat and dying by age thirty as cavemen should!

We learn that Za’s social status and future wife are dependent on him making fire, which he will never be able to do by rubbing a bone between his hands. That’s seriously what he’s doing, by the way—it’s not an innuendo:

Cut back to the TARDIS—Ian and Barbara wake up, presumably having passed out during flight. Susan and the Doctor are determining their landing location, while Ian and Barbara continue to refuse to believe that the TARDIS has moved.

“He’s saying I’m a CHARLATAN!”

We also get the first ever “Doctor who?” line in the show—Ian calls the Doctor “Doctor Foreman” (Susan’s last name) and the Doctor does an aside, muttering, “Hm? Doctor who? What’re you talking about?” [Someone actually says “Doctor Who”—drink! The Doctor mutters an aside—drink!]

For once, Susan and the Doctor take careful readings of the environment outside, while Ian continues to argue with the Doctor.

This man from the 1960s doesn’t believe in time travel or have a post-quantum physics understanding of time. What an idiot.

Finally, the Doctor delivers the final blow by opening the TARDIS doors and everyone steps outside.

They discuss how the TARDIS still looks like a police box—it should have changed, and both Susan and the Doctor are surprised.

The Doctor wanders off and we see him being observed by a caveman. Because he’s the Doctor, he lights up a huge tobacco pipe, and at the sight of fire the caveman freaks out and abducts him.

When the companions hear the scuffle, Susan loses her freaking mind and starts screaming “Grandfather!” hysterically and runs off to look for him. [Companion screams—drink!]

Susan returns and continues to scream, wail, cry, and flail around uselessly while Ian and Barbara try to figure out what happened [Companion screams—drink!]. They decide to go looking for him.

We cut again to the cavemen, who are conspiring about the up-and-coming hunter named Kal, who may try to usurp Za.

The spoken-of Kal returns to the tribe with the unconscious Doctor slung over his shoulder. He explains how he saw him make fire and argues that he should be the leader of the clan, solidifying Za’s fears.

After much painful, grunted, broken dialogue [you get mind-numbingly bored—drink!], the Doctor wakes up and, fearful for his safety, promises them he will make them fire. As they continue to argue, the Doctor realizes he’s lost his matches.

Za uses the moment to accuse Kal of being a liar, and in desperation Kal threatens to kill the Doctor if he doesn’t make fire right now. Just when the situation becomes dire, Susan, Ian, and Barbara arrive on the scene. Susan runs over to Kal and leaps on his back, screaming “Grandfather” like a banshee from Hell and a fight breaks out. [companion screams—drink!]

The Doctor and his companions are restrained pretty quickly and Za decides to send them to the Cave of Skulls until Orb, their Sun god, returns, and then he will kill them, meaning they have until dawn to figure a way out of this. Susan, who doesn’t understand the concept of upstaging, is screaming and crying throughout [companion screams—drink!].

The episode ends with the four of them being abandoned in the Cave of Skulls, coughing from the stench of decaying bodies [instead of killing the Doctor quickly, the villain just puts him in some strange and easily escaped danger—drink!]. Ian forebodingly notices that most of the skulls are split open. 

[episode ends in a cliffhanger—drink!]